oldies are drinking secretly at home, cunningly hiding our addiction from the world, and quietly going gaga as a result.

Were you Russian, you might not have to worry about the problem of alcohol misuse in your retirement because you would probably already be dead. The average man born in Russia today cannot expect to live beyond 63, so much vodka is he likely to have consumed by then.

Surprisingly, we are not an especially boozy people and so live much longer than many others. The life expectancy at birth of a British man is now 78, and of a woman 82. So most of us will still have several years of retirement ahead in which to try to amuse ourselves.

And the evidence shows that we do this rather well. Experts on ageing have concluded that older people are generally happier than the young, in better mental health, and suffer fewer negative emotions.


To stop us falling over and other such things that happen as a result of alcohol, we must prepare ourselves for a bleak and puritanical old age

This, you would have thought, would be cause for great satisfaction. But, of course, the authorities never like to look on the bright side of life: they're forever seeking out flaws in our lifestyle and urging us to eliminate them.

And so the Royal College of Psychiatrists has come up with a new health scare — that of 'hidden' alcohol addiction among the over-65s.

 
The fact that not even doctors have noticed this problem does not mean it doesn't exist, says the College. We oldies are drinking secretly at home, cunningly hiding our addiction from the world, and quietly going gaga as a result.

We may not drink very much, it says, but we hold our liquor worse as we get older, and so should drink even less than what is considered safe for everyone else.

Whereas current official advice is that no man of any age should drink more than 21 units of alcohol a week, and no woman more than 14, the Royal College of Psychiatrists would like the Government to issue separate guidelines for the over-65s, demanding that they drink a great deal less even than that.

It wants us to have no more than 1.5 units of alcohol a day — the equivalent of about half a pint of beer or a small glass of wine.

Why? Because the elderly, it says, find it harder than the young to get rid of alcohol from the bloodstream. We are therefore more likely to fall over, lose our memories and generally make fools of ourselves.

So to stop such things happening — which amount, in the College's view, to 'a burgeoning public health problem' — we must prepare ourselves for a bleak and puritanical old age.

Now, no one needs being reminded that too much heavy drinking is bad for you. It is linked to some cancers and it doubles the risk of death by stroke. Plus, it makes you feel rotten.

But we are talking about heavy drinking — not, say, two glasses of wine or a pint of beer a day.


Mr Cameron must remember his promise to lead our lives, and accept that whatever we do, provided it is legal, is nobody's business but our own

Age UK defines 'heavy drinking' as five or more units a day (two or more decent glasses of wine) and says — encouragingly — that anything less than this 'can have health benefits, especially for the heart'.

Yet the College says drinking even a third of what Age UK still considers beneficial will do old people serious harm. I don't believe it for a moment, but just imagine that the College is right and Age UK wrong.

It would still be intolerable for the Government to boss us around in this way. If you can't drink what you want at the age of 65, what's the point in staying alive? You have worked hard all your life — and now you are free to relax and have fun.

One way to do this is to meet friends for a drink in the pub. You might want to stay there for an hour or two. Is it proposed that you spend that time nursing one little glass of wine or a half-pint of beer? It's hardly a festive scenario.

When Treasure Island author Robert Louis Stevenson wrote 'Wine is bottled poetry', or the 17th-century monk and champagne pioneer Dom Pérignon announced over a glass of vintage bubbly 'Come quickly, I am tasting the stars', do you think either of them was counting their units?

And what if you do find yourself getting a little tipsy? Why would that matter? One thing to be said for the old is that they don't go around pulling knives on people or beating them up. The worst that could happen is that you might stumble a little on the way home — which is hardly a 'burgeoning public health problem'.

When the 17th-century monk and champagne pioneer Dom Pérignon announced over a glass of vintage bubbly 'Come quickly, I am tasting the stars', do you think either of them was counting their units?

Since Mr Cameron came to power promising to do away with the culture of the nanny state, you might expect the Coalition to treat the College's advice with indifference. But no. A Department of Health spokeswoman said 'alcohol misuse is a major public health issue — no matter what age you are.

'Everyone should drink responsibly, within the recommended alcohol limits,' she went on. 'We welcome any addition to the evidence base in this area, and will consider this report carefully.'

Well, let's hope not too carefully. Old age brings trials enough without the added humiliation of being told by the Government to drink much less than what is considered perfectly all right for a teenager.

The Department for Work and Pensions, too, is concerned that 'alcohol misuse' may be increasing among the over-65s, blaming it for every kind of ailment from blood clots in the brain to dementia and depression. But, surely, one would have to consume a great deal more than one glass of wine a day for it to have any such consequences.

The phrase 'alcohol misuse' is itself seriously misused if it is applied to virtual teetotallers. And while there are many people whose lives have been ruined by heavy drinking, there are others for whom, one suspects, it has been essential to their success.

Old age brings trials enough without the added humiliation of being told by the Government to drink much less than what is considered perfectly all right for a teenager

Queen Victoria famously enjoyed a lethal mix of claret and malt whisky in the same glass — and in some quantity. Below stairs, her servants averaged eight pints of beer every day. Yet Victoria lived until she was 81 and her household was the cornerstone of the world's greatest empire.

Those nannying government departments must have reached for the smelling salts after the beans were spilled this month on the Queen Mother's daily consumption even as a centenarian: a gin and Dubonnet before lunch, wine during lunch and, in the evening, a dry Martini followed by champagne.

Mr Cameron should not forget his promise. He must resist every attempt by his ministers and civil servants to tell us how to lead our lives, and accept that whatever we do, provided it is legal, is nobody's business but our own.

And while this freedom is everybody's right, it is especially important to the old. For they have not much time left in which to enjoy it.